Another anxious morning - another crazy dream

Every night I seem to dream of something from my past mixed with the future.  Sometimes I don't even know where these dreams come from - but I wake up feeling anxious.  Whether it is anxiety from my dream or anxiousness about my daily responsibilities - I am not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of the two.

Well to help me deal with it, I am going to start writing every day about my anxiousness - maybe that will help it to go away.

I recently stopped taking anxiety medication that I have been on for the past year.  I didn't realize that I had anxiety for many years.  I thought it was just feelings of guilt or stress and usually I managed pretty well because I would wake up every morning and work out for at least 30 mins. to an hr.  I continued to do that when I started taking the medication but it was hard to maintain because the medication made me tired.  I was very against taking the medication at first.  I was scared that it would mask all of the feelings that I have - that from what I had experienced in life up to that point, kept me safe.  And it did mask my feelings a little bit.  I cried less, I was less anxious and scared - it is what helped me to date and marry my husband.  And now that I am off of it, I feel pretty good.  I still struggle but I have been going to therapy consistently for at least a year and half now, so I have tools that I can lean on.

The hardest part is feeling regret for not knowing that I struggled with anxiety for so long and not seeking help sooner.  I was naïve and scared, and also strong because I chose to face it alone.  But, I wish I would have known how much better life is when you are vulnerable and you understand your feelings and share them with others.  It is a much better place to be.  I feel like I am a lot more self aware now and understand things that I was so naïve to before.  It is sad and makes me feel sad that I lived my life in such a hard space for so long.  I always felt bad for how I made other people feel but I understand more so know that I was suffering too.  And somewhat needlessly.  It makes me sad but I am so glad that I am where I am.  Ignorance is not bliss, this I know now.

And I am grateful for a wonderful husband who stood by me and loved me all along the way of figuring this out.  He is a strong and loving man, I am so lucky to have him.  He fought for me and I fought against him for a long time.  But timing worked in our favor and now we are very happy that we chose each other and continue to choose each other each day.  I have a lot on my mind and this is just some of it, but I need to write and get thoughts on to paper so that I have less running around in my head.  I am writing this for myself more than anyone else.  Who knows where this will lead but if I help anyone along the way, that will make me happy.

Road Trip - Day 1

 I finished packing up the car early in the morning, said goodbye to my amazing parents, took pictures :), and grabbed some snacks before leaving Tooele.

Here is proof that my car was pretty packed

I didn't take a picture of the inside of the trunk, it was pretty packed as well.

Met Kellie in Salt Lake to say goodbye and to give her the garage door opener, that I forget was still in my car.

Our first stop was in Evanston, WY.  We stopped almost every 2 hrs to switch drivers to help us stay sane.

One thing about Wyoming is that they are crazy about fireworks.  We saw so many signs and vendors advertising.  This is one of them "Pyro City"

Wind Turbines?  I think that is what these are called.  One of the only things that you will see out your window when driving through Wyoming.

Except for maybe this one mountain/rock

Or this random truck, isn't living in a democracy great?

 The sky was beautiful

 and we couldn't get enough of the turbines

 I couldn't get enough of Andrew's cheap 80's looking sunglasses.  Fluorescent green....ya baby

 We finally made it to Nebraska.  I think that somehow we missed the state sign (one of a few that we missed getting a picture of).  But we unknowingly stopped in the town that is the National Headquarters of Cabela's.  :)

 Cabela's is like a candy storm/theme park for those who love the outdoors, most specifically hunting, fishing, etc.

It was a long day of driving.  I think we drove around 10 hrs the first day.

You can tell that Andrew is pretty excited about driving right?

This picture is super small, but we were pretty excited when we arrived at Ogallala that evening.  

Day 1 was a success.  We didn't break down or have anything stolen.  Those two things were my biggest fears on this road trip.  :)  Just three more days to go!

Leaving Utah

I am really trying to catch up and post pictures :)  Here are some from the party my roommates planned for me before I left.

Amanda and Krystle

Chalyce

Kat

Amanda, me, Kellie, and Krystle aka the roommates

Sweet Bailey

Me and Azure (this was our 5th attempt at trying to get a decent picture of me)

Me, Kellie, and Azure

Miss you girls.  Thanks so much for being so supportive and for putting this going away party together for me!  You're the best!!! :)

Deciding to move to Virginia

Posting pictures and documenting what has happened over the last month is overdue.  I said that I would document so here it goes!

The decision to leave Utah and move across the country to Virginia, happened rather quickly.  It started with an idea presented by my oldest sister in March, when she was in Utah for my brother Jacob's wedding.  I considered the idea but was unsure of whether it was right or if I really wanted to go for it.  I have wanted to move out of state for a while but I was considering other options like Tucson, AZ at the time.

As the month of March came to a close, I chose to think more seriously about moving to the DC area and moving in with my sister and her family.  I decided that I would think and pray about moving to Virginia during the entire month of April and then come to a decision by the end of the month.  It started as a fun idea for an opportunity to live somewhere new and gain some additional experience and ended in a very spiritually charged decision.  I decided by the end of the month that I was going to take the risk and set out across the country.  I had two weeks to prepare, finish things up at work, and drive across the country.

My good friend Heidi Jameson, helped motivate me to be brave enough to follow through with my decision.  She has been such a good friend over the years and I miss her a lot.  We went through our EMPA program together and worked for the same department and team for a majority of the time while we were in school.   My boss was on vacation when I officially gave my two week notice at work.  I felt like I was giving up a lot when I found out that I had over 420 hours of sick leave saved up that is just going to disappear within a year!  Also, it's a little freaky to say goodbye to what I felt I had worked for over the last 7 years.  I had a good, stable job and I felt like I made a difference in the lives of the people I worked with.  I cried every day for two weeks!  mostly because I was scared out of my mind to leave my security blanket and take a leap of faith in to the unknown!!!  Thankfully I have many loving and supportive family members and friends, who helped me to be brave every step of they way.  Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father comforted me and gave me the strength when I needed it most.

Everyone at work was extremely supportive (minus one manager, who to this day I have to make a concerted effort to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt).  I came to feel that I was not only choosing to take this leap for myself, but for all of the people that I work with and who believe in me.  I am so thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life that have encouraged and taught me along the way.  I left a great team and will miss the people I worked with greatly.

I had an amazing conversation with my boss Kathy prior to leaving.  She and I have a lot of things in common.  We both love healthy cooking and eating, reading, and trying to implement new team building ideas.  She was very supportive of my decision to move and try something new.  She also complimented me on my strengths and encouraged me to remember the good skills that I have to offer.

I wish I would have taken more pictures of people from work, but I at least have one of Steve.  He was my managers manager.  He left the same week that I did to start another position, so I took a few pictures when we went out to lunch.

I took pictures of what we ate and not of the people I was with :(  ugh still learning.  This is Dave's Reuben

 This is my Veggie Burger

 This is what Heidi, Kathy, Kevin, and Steve had.  The house favorite, a mouth-watering pulled pork sandwich.  They all said it was delicious!

My team also gave me a card and a going away gift bag, which included ear plugs, an atlas, hand lotion, hot packs, chap stick, a mini princess etch a sketch, a word search, an eye mask (for sleeping when the sun is out), a neck rest for the drive, and a few other funny items.

It was hard to say goodbye to the people I care about, but I did it!  And hopefully I will see them when I come home to visit.

Next post:  Saying goodbye to friends and roommates

It's Time

 
I will admit that I haven't posted anything for a while because I don't know how to use the updated blogger.  It is super frustrating, especially on my ghetto lap top.

I have heard this song a few times in the past week and heard it on the radio yesterday.  So I have to post it!

It is a good song for me right now since I am heading off on a big adventure.  My last day at my current job will be tomorrow, then I will pack up and start driving across the country... :)  Ahhhh

Here I go!

Radio VersionLive Version

I have a lot to post leading up to this and I may create a new blog to document everything.  I will keep you posted on my new adventure.

Too Nice?

This morning when I got to TRAX, I saw a man named Tim who used to work at Jordan Valley School when I worked there. He was a very kind man and he still is. Whenever I see him, I usually talk with him for a little while until he gets off on his stop. When I got on TRAX today I also saw a guy who I have met just from riding to work everyday. He is a nice guy as well, who usually catches TRAX the same time as his daughter and they ride home together. I said hello to him as I got on the train and saw that he is reading a biography about "George Washington", which we talked about last week.

The train was very full today and also strangely quiet. There usually are people talking or listening to music, or something. But this morning, it was QUIET. I opened up my iPad to read my scriptures and the guy next to me said "Hey, I am reading in the exact same chapter of the book of Mormon right now. What a coincidence."
I thought it was brave of him to say something, because a lot of people won't talk to each other on trax. Anyway, we proceeded to talk for the rest of our commute to work. We talked about his job, school, etc. He is a computer programmer and I am a business analyst, so we had quite a few things to talk about. The funny thing was that I think the entire train heard our conversation because no one else was talking. So people either thought it to be annoying that we were talking, or funny.

When I got of the train, I walked with the man I mentioned earlier to the cross walk (the one reading the biography about George Washington) and he just said "You are too nice". I was like????? Wondering why he would say that. I guess it is probably because he rides Trax with me all of the time and he sees who I talk to, etc.
But as we went our separate ways to work, I thought to myself. Really? Is it possible to be too nice? What is too nice about having a conversation with someone and benefiting by learning more about them and about life in general because of their personal experiences?

Some food for thought...Is it possible to be too nice?

Midnight City

I just like the sound and beat of this song. Nothing deep or insightful about this one for me. But definitely fun to listen to which means I will probably add it to my running play list.