Another anxious morning - another crazy dream

Every night I seem to dream of something from my past mixed with the future.  Sometimes I don't even know where these dreams come from - but I wake up feeling anxious.  Whether it is anxiety from my dream or anxiousness about my daily responsibilities - I am not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of the two.

Well to help me deal with it, I am going to start writing every day about my anxiousness - maybe that will help it to go away.

I recently stopped taking anxiety medication that I have been on for the past year.  I didn't realize that I had anxiety for many years.  I thought it was just feelings of guilt or stress and usually I managed pretty well because I would wake up every morning and work out for at least 30 mins. to an hr.  I continued to do that when I started taking the medication but it was hard to maintain because the medication made me tired.  I was very against taking the medication at first.  I was scared that it would mask all of the feelings that I have - that from what I had experienced in life up to that point, kept me safe.  And it did mask my feelings a little bit.  I cried less, I was less anxious and scared - it is what helped me to date and marry my husband.  And now that I am off of it, I feel pretty good.  I still struggle but I have been going to therapy consistently for at least a year and half now, so I have tools that I can lean on.

The hardest part is feeling regret for not knowing that I struggled with anxiety for so long and not seeking help sooner.  I was naïve and scared, and also strong because I chose to face it alone.  But, I wish I would have known how much better life is when you are vulnerable and you understand your feelings and share them with others.  It is a much better place to be.  I feel like I am a lot more self aware now and understand things that I was so naïve to before.  It is sad and makes me feel sad that I lived my life in such a hard space for so long.  I always felt bad for how I made other people feel but I understand more so know that I was suffering too.  And somewhat needlessly.  It makes me sad but I am so glad that I am where I am.  Ignorance is not bliss, this I know now.

And I am grateful for a wonderful husband who stood by me and loved me all along the way of figuring this out.  He is a strong and loving man, I am so lucky to have him.  He fought for me and I fought against him for a long time.  But timing worked in our favor and now we are very happy that we chose each other and continue to choose each other each day.  I have a lot on my mind and this is just some of it, but I need to write and get thoughts on to paper so that I have less running around in my head.  I am writing this for myself more than anyone else.  Who knows where this will lead but if I help anyone along the way, that will make me happy.