Another anxious morning - another crazy dream

Every night I seem to dream of something from my past mixed with the future.  Sometimes I don't even know where these dreams come from - but I wake up feeling anxious.  Whether it is anxiety from my dream or anxiousness about my daily responsibilities - I am not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of the two.

Well to help me deal with it, I am going to start writing every day about my anxiousness - maybe that will help it to go away.

I recently stopped taking anxiety medication that I have been on for the past year.  I didn't realize that I had anxiety for many years.  I thought it was just feelings of guilt or stress and usually I managed pretty well because I would wake up every morning and work out for at least 30 mins. to an hr.  I continued to do that when I started taking the medication but it was hard to maintain because the medication made me tired.  I was very against taking the medication at first.  I was scared that it would mask all of the feelings that I have - that from what I had experienced in life up to that point, kept me safe.  And it did mask my feelings a little bit.  I cried less, I was less anxious and scared - it is what helped me to date and marry my husband.  And now that I am off of it, I feel pretty good.  I still struggle but I have been going to therapy consistently for at least a year and half now, so I have tools that I can lean on.

The hardest part is feeling regret for not knowing that I struggled with anxiety for so long and not seeking help sooner.  I was naïve and scared, and also strong because I chose to face it alone.  But, I wish I would have known how much better life is when you are vulnerable and you understand your feelings and share them with others.  It is a much better place to be.  I feel like I am a lot more self aware now and understand things that I was so naïve to before.  It is sad and makes me feel sad that I lived my life in such a hard space for so long.  I always felt bad for how I made other people feel but I understand more so know that I was suffering too.  And somewhat needlessly.  It makes me sad but I am so glad that I am where I am.  Ignorance is not bliss, this I know now.

And I am grateful for a wonderful husband who stood by me and loved me all along the way of figuring this out.  He is a strong and loving man, I am so lucky to have him.  He fought for me and I fought against him for a long time.  But timing worked in our favor and now we are very happy that we chose each other and continue to choose each other each day.  I have a lot on my mind and this is just some of it, but I need to write and get thoughts on to paper so that I have less running around in my head.  I am writing this for myself more than anyone else.  Who knows where this will lead but if I help anyone along the way, that will make me happy.

Road Trip - Day 1

 I finished packing up the car early in the morning, said goodbye to my amazing parents, took pictures :), and grabbed some snacks before leaving Tooele.

Here is proof that my car was pretty packed

I didn't take a picture of the inside of the trunk, it was pretty packed as well.

Met Kellie in Salt Lake to say goodbye and to give her the garage door opener, that I forget was still in my car.

Our first stop was in Evanston, WY.  We stopped almost every 2 hrs to switch drivers to help us stay sane.

One thing about Wyoming is that they are crazy about fireworks.  We saw so many signs and vendors advertising.  This is one of them "Pyro City"

Wind Turbines?  I think that is what these are called.  One of the only things that you will see out your window when driving through Wyoming.

Except for maybe this one mountain/rock

Or this random truck, isn't living in a democracy great?

 The sky was beautiful

 and we couldn't get enough of the turbines

 I couldn't get enough of Andrew's cheap 80's looking sunglasses.  Fluorescent green....ya baby

 We finally made it to Nebraska.  I think that somehow we missed the state sign (one of a few that we missed getting a picture of).  But we unknowingly stopped in the town that is the National Headquarters of Cabela's.  :)

 Cabela's is like a candy storm/theme park for those who love the outdoors, most specifically hunting, fishing, etc.

It was a long day of driving.  I think we drove around 10 hrs the first day.

You can tell that Andrew is pretty excited about driving right?

This picture is super small, but we were pretty excited when we arrived at Ogallala that evening.  

Day 1 was a success.  We didn't break down or have anything stolen.  Those two things were my biggest fears on this road trip.  :)  Just three more days to go!

Leaving Utah

I am really trying to catch up and post pictures :)  Here are some from the party my roommates planned for me before I left.

Amanda and Krystle

Chalyce

Kat

Amanda, me, Kellie, and Krystle aka the roommates

Sweet Bailey

Me and Azure (this was our 5th attempt at trying to get a decent picture of me)

Me, Kellie, and Azure

Miss you girls.  Thanks so much for being so supportive and for putting this going away party together for me!  You're the best!!! :)

Deciding to move to Virginia

Posting pictures and documenting what has happened over the last month is overdue.  I said that I would document so here it goes!

The decision to leave Utah and move across the country to Virginia, happened rather quickly.  It started with an idea presented by my oldest sister in March, when she was in Utah for my brother Jacob's wedding.  I considered the idea but was unsure of whether it was right or if I really wanted to go for it.  I have wanted to move out of state for a while but I was considering other options like Tucson, AZ at the time.

As the month of March came to a close, I chose to think more seriously about moving to the DC area and moving in with my sister and her family.  I decided that I would think and pray about moving to Virginia during the entire month of April and then come to a decision by the end of the month.  It started as a fun idea for an opportunity to live somewhere new and gain some additional experience and ended in a very spiritually charged decision.  I decided by the end of the month that I was going to take the risk and set out across the country.  I had two weeks to prepare, finish things up at work, and drive across the country.

My good friend Heidi Jameson, helped motivate me to be brave enough to follow through with my decision.  She has been such a good friend over the years and I miss her a lot.  We went through our EMPA program together and worked for the same department and team for a majority of the time while we were in school.   My boss was on vacation when I officially gave my two week notice at work.  I felt like I was giving up a lot when I found out that I had over 420 hours of sick leave saved up that is just going to disappear within a year!  Also, it's a little freaky to say goodbye to what I felt I had worked for over the last 7 years.  I had a good, stable job and I felt like I made a difference in the lives of the people I worked with.  I cried every day for two weeks!  mostly because I was scared out of my mind to leave my security blanket and take a leap of faith in to the unknown!!!  Thankfully I have many loving and supportive family members and friends, who helped me to be brave every step of they way.  Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father comforted me and gave me the strength when I needed it most.

Everyone at work was extremely supportive (minus one manager, who to this day I have to make a concerted effort to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt).  I came to feel that I was not only choosing to take this leap for myself, but for all of the people that I work with and who believe in me.  I am so thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life that have encouraged and taught me along the way.  I left a great team and will miss the people I worked with greatly.

I had an amazing conversation with my boss Kathy prior to leaving.  She and I have a lot of things in common.  We both love healthy cooking and eating, reading, and trying to implement new team building ideas.  She was very supportive of my decision to move and try something new.  She also complimented me on my strengths and encouraged me to remember the good skills that I have to offer.

I wish I would have taken more pictures of people from work, but I at least have one of Steve.  He was my managers manager.  He left the same week that I did to start another position, so I took a few pictures when we went out to lunch.

I took pictures of what we ate and not of the people I was with :(  ugh still learning.  This is Dave's Reuben

 This is my Veggie Burger

 This is what Heidi, Kathy, Kevin, and Steve had.  The house favorite, a mouth-watering pulled pork sandwich.  They all said it was delicious!

My team also gave me a card and a going away gift bag, which included ear plugs, an atlas, hand lotion, hot packs, chap stick, a mini princess etch a sketch, a word search, an eye mask (for sleeping when the sun is out), a neck rest for the drive, and a few other funny items.

It was hard to say goodbye to the people I care about, but I did it!  And hopefully I will see them when I come home to visit.

Next post:  Saying goodbye to friends and roommates

It's Time

 
I will admit that I haven't posted anything for a while because I don't know how to use the updated blogger.  It is super frustrating, especially on my ghetto lap top.

I have heard this song a few times in the past week and heard it on the radio yesterday.  So I have to post it!

It is a good song for me right now since I am heading off on a big adventure.  My last day at my current job will be tomorrow, then I will pack up and start driving across the country... :)  Ahhhh

Here I go!

Radio VersionLive Version

I have a lot to post leading up to this and I may create a new blog to document everything.  I will keep you posted on my new adventure.

Too Nice?

This morning when I got to TRAX, I saw a man named Tim who used to work at Jordan Valley School when I worked there. He was a very kind man and he still is. Whenever I see him, I usually talk with him for a little while until he gets off on his stop. When I got on TRAX today I also saw a guy who I have met just from riding to work everyday. He is a nice guy as well, who usually catches TRAX the same time as his daughter and they ride home together. I said hello to him as I got on the train and saw that he is reading a biography about "George Washington", which we talked about last week.

The train was very full today and also strangely quiet. There usually are people talking or listening to music, or something. But this morning, it was QUIET. I opened up my iPad to read my scriptures and the guy next to me said "Hey, I am reading in the exact same chapter of the book of Mormon right now. What a coincidence."
I thought it was brave of him to say something, because a lot of people won't talk to each other on trax. Anyway, we proceeded to talk for the rest of our commute to work. We talked about his job, school, etc. He is a computer programmer and I am a business analyst, so we had quite a few things to talk about. The funny thing was that I think the entire train heard our conversation because no one else was talking. So people either thought it to be annoying that we were talking, or funny.

When I got of the train, I walked with the man I mentioned earlier to the cross walk (the one reading the biography about George Washington) and he just said "You are too nice". I was like????? Wondering why he would say that. I guess it is probably because he rides Trax with me all of the time and he sees who I talk to, etc.
But as we went our separate ways to work, I thought to myself. Really? Is it possible to be too nice? What is too nice about having a conversation with someone and benefiting by learning more about them and about life in general because of their personal experiences?

Some food for thought...Is it possible to be too nice?

Midnight City

I just like the sound and beat of this song. Nothing deep or insightful about this one for me. But definitely fun to listen to which means I will probably add it to my running play list.

Charlie Brown

I couldn't wait for Music Monday, I wanted to post this asap...

I like the song, the video is just okay.

Marry Him

I started reading this book because one of my friends had read it and posted that she liked it on Goodreads. I was hesitant to read it because of the title "Marry Him The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough." I actually have really liked the book and was just reading more of it and realized I wanted to post a few excerpts here.

This is from the section that talks about arranged marriages vs western culture's idea of love. Pretty insightful...

First paragraph that stood out to me:

" Our families met each other," she explained, "and they thought it was a compatible match in terms of expectations. They decided we could proceed. So my husband and I met, and we liked each other. We agreed on basic values and what you expect from life. Physical appearances matter--i thought, yeah, he looks cute. But he didn't have to be gorgeous. It seemed realistic and possible. So I said, sure."

Second:

In arranged marriages, the husband question is easier to answer. Your parents are looking for someone to provide contented companionship, children (if you both want them), and the infrastructure for family life. They want someone with qualities like integrity, humility, ambition, and generosity--the things that are going to matter. If a guy can read your mind but he can't hold a job, or if he's incredibly funny but doesn't call when he says he will, is that the kind of guy you want to marry?

"I know---you want him to read your mind and hold a job, to be funny and reliable. But do you want a husband or someone who practices telepathy? Do you want the life of the party or a guy you can count on?

As Seth writes in her book, husbands are life partners, not life savers. A full 50 percent of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women dating today don't see it that way."

Third:
"You love someone by honoring them, cherishing them, caring for them," he said, but to Americans, love seems to be only a noun: "You feel this exogenous wonderful passion. It's this absurd and uncomfortable and irrational and floaty feeling that almost feels like it chose you."

His point was that if you have everything you need in a relationship, but you're just not feeling it anymore, maybe you're focusing too much on whether you're in love (the noun) and not making enough of an effort to love (the verb)your partner. There's an aspect of love (the verb) that's a choice.

Vora feels that you need both the noun and verb, but, as he put it, what we tend to forget is this: "The verb can create the noun and the noun can inspire the verb."

This book doesn't just talk about arranged marriages, this is just the chapter I was reading when I saw values that matter to me, so it hit home. That is why I posted these sections.

Seriously though CHAPTER 21 IS GREAT --> DUMP THE LIST, NOT THE GUY. Especially page 270. Classic

Praise to the Man

"Praise to the man who communed with Jehovah. Millions shall know brother Joseph again."

This song really hit me deeply Saturday afternoon at the end of the second session of General Conference, especially the last verse

" Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven; Earth must atone for the blood of that man. Wake up the world for the conflict of justice, Millions shall know "Brother Joseph" again. Hail to the Prophet, ascended to heaven! Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain. Mingling with Gods, he can plan for his brethren; Death cannot conquer the hero again."

I think that overall I felt a greater appreciation for Joseph Smith and the sacrifice he made in searching for and restoring The Church of Jesus Christ to the earth. :) I feel so blessed be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Music Monday: What Makes you Beautiful

HA HA HA

Seriously, the first kid who sings in this video made me think of my 4 year old nephew. This song makes me laugh so hard.

"The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed" Wow, those are some pretty amazing lyrics.

The best part might be the fact that these kids look like they just walked out of JCrew and they look like they are 12.

Enjoy ;)

Compassion

Love this! Anyone down for some video making?

Stronger

This is currently one of my favorite songs. It's not because I am a man hater or don't need a man in my life.

I like this song because life is full of struggle and heartbreak, but it is true..."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" :) Plus this song rocks!!!!

I love Mormon Messages

I cannot get enough of these videos...And sidenote (yes I love her haircut and her style)and of course, the message :)

The Power of Kindness

Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.
-Blaise Pascal

The Power of Kindness

Kid History - You must watch the 6 previous episodes as well

I Love You

The Book of Mormon

Yesterday, I watched this video for the first time. I had seen people post it on Facebook but I just hadn't taken time to watch it. I loved it! First, because it is set in London and Second, I felt the spirit so strongly as this man talked about his experience with the Book of Mormon.

I have been reading the Book or Mormon again from the beginning since September. My ward issued a challenge to read it before the end of the year and then to give the Book of Mormon away. I was really excited for the opportunity and decided to take on the challenge.

I am currently in Helaman 13, and I think I will make my goal. Although, I am tempted to finish it earlier so that I can give it to someone on Christmas :) The reason I am thinking this is because this morning while riding trax, I pulled out my Book of Mormon. I was going to read it but was distracted talking to my friend Kent who I take to trax every day. I wasn't noticing the people around me too much until an older man that was sitting across from us interrupted and said that I needed to read and that Kent was distracting me.

This led to a conversation with this man who moved here about a year ago from Kentucky. He asked me if this was my first time reading the Book of Mormon. I told him no and he asked how many times I have read it. I told him I really don't know. Many times? And then he asked if I have ever read it this fast before and I told him probably not. He said he finds it very interesting, Mormons,etc. I am sure being new to the state raises curiosity in the dominant religion.

He was a a very nice man and I told him he could have my Book of Mormon when I was finished reading it. I maybe should have given it to him this morning? But hopefully I will see him on trax or in Daybreak at some point and then have the opportunity to talk to him some more. I would love to give him my Book of Mormon as a Christmas present.

This experience on the train this morning brightened my entire day. I love the Book of Mormon and believe it to be another Testament of Jesus Christ. I feel the spirit when I read it and it helps me to know how to be more like Christ.

Christmas Time

I liked this quote that I read this morning

"The answer in the Christmas season and throughout the year lies not in the receiving of earthly presents and treasures, but in the forsaking of selfishness and greed and in going forward, seeking and enjoying the gifts of the spirit"


It kind of goes along with some gift ideas I found on a website I get emails from every once in a while. The website is called 29 Gifts and it goes a long with a book I read at the beginning of 2011. I read it because my goals/theme for 2011 were Gratitude and Giving. 29 Gifts, is about a woman who has MS. She has struggled with it for years and after talking to a guru of sorts she decided to take a challenge to give a gift each day for 29 days. It was a pretty inspiring story and I took on the challenge. I have only done the 29 day challenge once and may not have done an amazing job with my gifts but I felt happier and more in tune with the spirit of giving when I did it. When I decided to do the 29 day challenge I signed up on the 29 Gifts website and that is why I got an email recently with some gift ideas for the holiday season. I like to focus on gifts that are more meaningful so this list made me feel pretty excited for the upcoming Christmas season and Holiday. Enjoy :)
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During this season, we are so busy hustling and bustling in and out of shopping centers, malls and shops, that we sometimes forget what the holidays are really about. The most meaningful and appreciated gifts are often those that cost us only time and imagination.

Each day in December, we challenge you to give one non-material gift. It could be a nice note you write, kind words you say mindfully with meaning, something you do to go out of your way to help another person.

Get Creative. And don't forget to share your experiences here or in your giving blog! Here are 29 Simple Out-of-the-Box Giving Ideas to get you started. We'd love to hear your ideas, too:

1. Wave to neighbors as you drive through the neighborhood.
2. Forgive someone
3. Go around your neighborhood caroling with friends and family
4. Wash someone's car for them
5. Bring lunch to an elderly or ill neighbor
6. Iron a family member's favorite shirt
7. Pick up trash in the park
8. Serve breakfast in bed to your mate
9. If you have a roommate, wash and put away all their clothes while they're out
10. Write a poem telling someone how you feel about them
11. Leave handmade "Secret Santa" cards around your neighborhood
12. Don’t be afraid to give out sincere compliments to friends and strangers
13. Let someone with less items pass in front of you in the checkout line
14. Allow a car to enter the freeway in front of you
15. Hold the door open for someone
16. Help another shopper find an item in their size
17. Take a busy friend's children to the park for the afternoon
18. Take your family on a night tour around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights
19. Visit a retirement home and share stories with the residents, maybe sing with them
20. Share your plant clippings with a friend
21. Scotty (Lubabat's hubby) reminded Facebook friends of how Lubabat used to leave quarters in the gum machine slots at the stores just to put a smile on a child's face..
22. SMILE at everyone you pass
23. Hug someone
24. Host a pot-luck dinner with family and friends you haven't seen in awhile; have everyone share their recipes
25. Hold a family dinner and game night
26. Complete a home project that's way overdue; specifically one that has inconvenienced others
27. Make someone laugh with a funny joke
28. The next time you tell someone you love them, also tell them why
29. Think of a talent you have or a service you could provide and give loved ones a coupon book offering your skills or talents. We have offered free babysitting, car detailing and house cleaning. There are so many great ideas such as: free haircuts, manicures, massages, chauffeur services....let your imagination go and give the gift of a talent or skill.

Start the Machine